Why Don’t I Trust My Own Judgement?

As a survivor, I now find myself in another situation in which I should have listened to my inter-voice and didn’t. I’m not sure why I keep putting myself in this situation.  I think I have changed and moved forward, but unfortunately when it comes to this, I haven’t.  So I am sitting here, staring at my computer screen, wondering what to write, and I keep asking myself “why don’t I trust my own judgement?”

Naturally, I googled and it is starting to make a little sense… at least for me.  Remember this blog is from the perspective of someone who was abused by her father from about 3 to 10ish.  I had a couple of years reprieve from around 10 to 14 for several reasons, but when I started changing physically, my father of course had to check that out. I remember it so clearly.  He actually had the nerve to come back in my room and apologize, because he didn’t want me to think he was perverted! LOL!  Sorry Dad, that ship sailed a long time ago!

So, why don’t I trust myself?  Why don’t I listen to that small voice in my head?  I think it goes back to the lies that so many of us carry around… “it wasn’t that bad.” OR this oldie but goodie, “am I exaggerating?” Those are my internal questions that pop up on a semi-regular basis.  I have spent so many years down-playing or questioning my abuse that I now doubt myself.

None of us want to accept the fact that our parents are monsters, who preyed on innocent children.  We look for answers or reasons as to why this happened.  We make excuses.  We overlook so many things.

One of my earliest memories, which I have shared before, was when I was four and getting a bath.  My brother, who was two, and I were in the tub and my parents were discussing who would wash whom.  I remember sitting there hoping my mom would pick me, but my dad said he would.  My heart sank. As I sat there in the tub, in pain, burning, I watched my brother, who was splashing away in the water, being two, smiling, and laughing.  I looked at my mom, who was talking to my brother and dad, and she was smiling.

My gut told me that this had to be wrong and it didn’t feel right. I was so confused.  Why were my mom and brother happy?  Why didn’t they notice my pain?  Why didn’t they care about my pain? This was the beginning of me not trusting myself.  Surely if what was happening to me was bad and it was right in front of them, they would notice, right?

And there it begins, I must have been wrong.  It must not be that bad.  I must be exaggerating this pain. Now here we are 43 years later and I still don’t listen to my small voice.  Hopefully, this current experience will cure me of my self-doubt.  I pray that my eyes are finally open, but I guess only time will tell.

Song: “Need You Now” by Plumb

“⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.” – Proverbs 3:5-6