Unfortunate Blessing

575x360-v-dpc-93555606As I have relayed my story, I have written about suppressed memories.  For me, this was an area in which I struggled for some time. To suddenly remember something that happened decades ago is quite a shock and an extremely amazing phenomena.

The shock hits first like a 10-ton truck.  There is no way to describe the unsettling feeling and grief.  You know at the core of your being that what you just remembered is true. There is no doubt. That comes later.

Doubt is a curse for survivors with suppressed memories. Not only do people you share your experiences with questions you, but you end up questioning yourself.  Please do not get me wrong here… a little fact checking of the memories is good.  It keeps you sane and it is reassuring.  But down right questioning a survivor’s memories is damaging to say the least.

Survivors need support, understanding, patience, love, and to be believed.  The survivor herself will question the memory enough to know it is valid and there is a distinct difference between remembering an event that happened and one you imagine. The feeling is unquestionable.

For me, my suppressed memories have been an unfortunate blessing.  It is unfortunate because of the questioning that I have received and the lack of support.  However, I am blessed that I do not remember all the gory details.  I don’t need to know them.  I know enough.  But I also have unique blessing, it is that my brother has told me things that I still don’t remember.

Weird, isn’t it?  Someone has told me about parts of my life and I still have absolutely no recollection at all… zip, zero, zilch. The reason this is a blessing for me is that it gives reliability to my new memories.  If I still don’t remember horrible things that I have been told, it is no surprise that there are other memories I am unaware of.  This means that when I do remember something, I don’t question or doubt myself… as much. ❤

So the point of this blog for you?  Talk to people.  Ask your family and friends questions about your life during the years of the abuse. They may not know the details of your abuse, but they might fill in some interesting details.

It is an odd peace that I have with my memories… knowing there are ones in limbo, but knowing I am not crazy. It’s a blessing. ❤

This is my song for my memories (aka: ashes): Once and For All by Lauren Daigledownload

“See, I will create
    new heavens and a new earth.
The former things will not be remembered,
    nor will they come to mind.” – Isaiah 65:17




The Feeling

Some of you who have suppressed memories will unfortunately know what I am talking about… the feeling. It is the feeling you get when you start to get new puzzle pieces.  It is a feeling of anxiety, fear, apprehension, dread, and sadness all mixed together into one brilliant life shaking cocktail.

I am sure there are a lot of different ways that this feeling starts for survivors.  For me, it is usually when my mind is the quietest.  It could be a quick startle that wakes me from a sound sleep, while I am driving on auto-pilot coming home from work, or as I stare out the window while listening to the murmur of the television in the background.  It hits like a refrigerator dropped off a 30 story building.  It leaves you shaking, emotionally bruised, heart-racing, and gasping for breathe.  Then the fun begins.

You are left with puzzle pieces floating in your mind… none of which make sense.  But you know they will.  In the coming days or weeks, new pieces will appear.  Your brain will hurt.  You’re filled with dread.  Your heart aches.  But there is nothing you can do, but wait.

a0d1949d0e2c8131713b66a1d0686004I wish there was a remedy to stop this from reoccurring.  I wish there was a way to predict their arrival.  I wish there was a way to just scream, “I’ve had enough!”  But as I sit here, I have only one solution… I’m giving it to God.  I am going to trust that He will take these floating memories away.  And if He doesn’t, I am going to believe that He will use them for good and bring peace back to my soul.

This song is what is bringing me comfort today: Once and For All by Lauren Daigle

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;” – Proverbs 3:5

20 Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, 21 equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.” – Hebrews 13:20-21