A few days ago in our survivors of sexual abuse group, we discussed “unhealthy” families in which sexual abuse occurs. As you may know, there aren’t many signs or predictable qualities that warn people that a new family will be one where sexual abuse takes place. Most perpetrators look relatively “normal” and fit into society. But there is some interesting consistencies in the families in which abuse occurs and we found it fascinating how many of theses traits were in each of our families.
According to On the Threshold of Hope by Diane Mandt Langberg, abusive families “often have multiple problems, are rigid in their relational patterns, confused by individuals’ roles, and send destructive messages.” As we went through these pages of her book, my family falls into each one. (In the group, the average number was three.) Read the examples from my family and see where yours fits.
Multiple problems: My mom is bipolar and a mean person. (I’ll have to write about her one day.) There were definite boundary issues and tons of denial.
Rigid relational patterns: By first grade, my brother and I were isolated from our extended family and punishment was severe.
Confused roles: In all ways, I was the surrogate wife for the father. For my brother who is nine years younger than me, I took care of him a lot. (But he is one of the reasons, I didn’t commit suicide at 14. I was afraid no one would take care of him in a healthy way.)
Destructive messages: Always be smiling. You can NEVER have a problem. You must be perfect. Always look like a close, loving family. Stay out of mom’s way.
The saddest part for me was that each of our families had the last trait I listed. This is unfortunate, because according to Langberg, “these children are deprived and desperate for attention… They have been taught to blame themselves. Self-hatred comes easily. These children have learned how to numb their feelings and continue on as if nothing horrible is happening.” Doesn’t that describe each and every one of us?
The question now is what do we do with this information? I can tell you that it helped us to just talk about this. You know the adages: strength in numbers and you aren’t alone. As simplistic as this may sound, talking about this is what we do with this information. The more our stories are shared, the less our burdens become. And giving a face and a voice to this horrific form of childhood abuse will heal others and bring the end to someone’s suffering.
So will you take a stand with me and my group and bring a voice to this issue for all the other broken girls? Remember: there is strength in numbers 😉
Song: Broken Girl by Matthew West
“Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves,
for the rights of all who are destitute.
Speak up and judge fairly;
defend the rights of the poor and needy.” – Proverbs 31:8-9
I wish there was a remedy to stop this from reoccurring. I wish there was a way to predict their arrival. I wish there was a way to just scream, “I’ve had enough!” But as I sit here, I have only one solution… I’m giving it to God. I am going to trust that He will take these floating memories away. And if He doesn’t, I am going to believe that He will use them for good and bring peace back to my soul.
Have you noticed that night terrors are a part of your existence? Do they creep into your peaceful slumber and then keep you up for hours? Have you asked yourself if they ever go away?
have found that it is not as rattling as before. It may leave me with an uneasy feeling for the morning or day, but it is no longer terror.
Last week in SOSA, we had an interesting conversation that I thought I would share with you. It is extremely basic, but at the same time, very profound and thought provoking. For those of us who were abused by a parent, close relative, or care-giver, this is tremendously important to explore.
So here is the suggestion if this is something you are struggling with… do some research. Read up on the cognitive, social, and emotional development of children, especially during the age range in which you were abused. Seek out children who were your age at the time of your abuse… now I am not saying become a stalker. What I am saying is notice them in your environment… at the park, at the mall, at the grocery store, at church. Watch their behavior and their interaction with their trusted adult and the IMPORTANT part… notice the dependency and trust the child has placed in that adult. Realize that you were them! You were small, innocence, trusting, full of curiosity and life. Then ask yourself: what would you expect from that child if she were in your abuse situation? Is she to blame? Should she feel guilty? Should someone be protecting her?
The last week and a half I have taken a mental vacation from blogging and the world as much as I could. I have had to deal with my heartache. I have taken the time to talk to several individuals in order to help me sort things out and try to decide how to handle my current situation that will allow me to cling to my values and faith, but deal with this crushing blow, which has left me heartbroken.
This weekend God has spoken through many people in my life: counselors, pastors, friends, acquaintances. And the plan is as simple as this: SWITCH MY FOCUS. Instead of dwelling on my heartache and my questionable future, I need to focus on God’s calling which is before me. I am a lucky one. I have a very clear vision and purpose that God has put in my life and it is ready to explode… all I need to do is follow and listen. I must focus on the task before me and as I do that, I NEED TO TRUST GOD to handle the rest.
I saw this picture (Overwhelmed by Elena Covalciuc Vieriu 
Now this is the ultimate question for survivors of abuse? A question for which we will never have an answer. A question that haunts us. A question that lingers in the air right above our heads… always in reach. A question that we just have to find a peace with.
As a survivor, I now find myself in another situation in which I should have listened to my inter-voice and didn’t. I’m not sure why I keep putting myself in this situation. I think I have changed and moved forward, but unfortunately when it comes to this, I haven’t. So I am sitting here, staring at my computer screen, wondering what to write, and I keep asking myself “why don’t I trust my own judgement?”
My gut told me that this had to be wrong and it didn’t feel right. I was so confused. Why were my mom and brother happy? Why didn’t they notice my pain? Why didn’t they care about my pain? This was the beginning of me not trusting myself. Surely if what was happening to me was bad and it was right in front of them, they would notice, right?
If you are like most survivors, your heart just dropped into your stomach when you read the title of today’s blog. Nighttime is HORRIBLE! For a lot of us, closing our eyes and going to sleep just means flashbacks, night-terrors, and waking up in a cold sweat. There is nothing refreshing about it and you would give your right arm if it would just stop rolling around every 18 hours or so.
So I challenge you, if you suffer from “I hate the night-itis,” get yourself some Jesus! Now here is what I mean by that. You need a Jesus arsenal. I’m talking get cozy in your bed and whip out some Jesus! Devotionals, books, musics, the Bible, the Bible app, a podcast, anything to do with Jesus. And as you lie there cozy in your bed, start reading or listening to whatever it is you choose. As you drift off to la-la land, have your thoughts on Him… the One who saves and He WILL protect your mind.
So I’ve blogged about some pretty heavy things the last few days, so I thought we deserved a break today… and I’m not talking McDonald’s.
Frannie's Story 