The Feeling

Some of you who have suppressed memories will unfortunately know what I am talking about… the feeling. It is the feeling you get when you start to get new puzzle pieces.  It is a feeling of anxiety, fear, apprehension, dread, and sadness all mixed together into one brilliant life shaking cocktail.

I am sure there are a lot of different ways that this feeling starts for survivors.  For me, it is usually when my mind is the quietest.  It could be a quick startle that wakes me from a sound sleep, while I am driving on auto-pilot coming home from work, or as I stare out the window while listening to the murmur of the television in the background.  It hits like a refrigerator dropped off a 30 story building.  It leaves you shaking, emotionally bruised, heart-racing, and gasping for breathe.  Then the fun begins.

You are left with puzzle pieces floating in your mind… none of which make sense.  But you know they will.  In the coming days or weeks, new pieces will appear.  Your brain will hurt.  You’re filled with dread.  Your heart aches.  But there is nothing you can do, but wait.

a0d1949d0e2c8131713b66a1d0686004I wish there was a remedy to stop this from reoccurring.  I wish there was a way to predict their arrival.  I wish there was a way to just scream, “I’ve had enough!”  But as I sit here, I have only one solution… I’m giving it to God.  I am going to trust that He will take these floating memories away.  And if He doesn’t, I am going to believe that He will use them for good and bring peace back to my soul.

This song is what is bringing me comfort today: Once and For All by Lauren Daigle

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;” – Proverbs 3:5

20 Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, 21 equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.” – Hebrews 13:20-21